RealAge is a hoot. And yet more authentic than calendar age. Human beings are biological, spiritual, intellectual, emotional beings, not mechanical ones. Does experience matter? Sure, but I've had more varied experiences than most people ever will, or at least compared to my ancestors, so does that make me 90? On the other hand, I like to stay on top of popular culture and new trends, so does that make me 18? When I behave like a child, does that make me 5?
As an academic, I think it is important to ask hard questions about social conventions. When I was younger I was called the "whiz kid" which I felt was demeaning.
The term "age-ist" or age-ism is the idea: stereotyping people based on age. No one likes to be stereotyped, especially over things we can't much control, like age, height, where we're from, racial/ethnic background, etc. I see it as a diversity issue and am beginning to think that it is inappropriate for social networking sites, matchmaking sites, and the like, to require age. If it matters to someone, they can ask.
Take dating for example. In a free society no one should tell another who you can date. In practice, most people I talk to have an idea of the "type" of person they are looking for with certain qualities and features, but are willing to be surprised as well. Kinda like software. Age is one thing but should hardly be the defining characteristic the way some matchmaking sites work.
In all, we might want to consider a more sophisticated approach to understanding others than the metric we label "age." The site RealAge has attempted to do just that.
November 24, 2009
A New Age of New Ages
I think about age a lot. It bothers me that I think about age a lot, but I cannot seem to help it. There are so many things wrong with using age as a metric and yet it is useful information for many reasons.
To expand our thinking of the concept of age, we should do two things: break it down (analysis) and then see what it is connected to (synthesis). What do we mean by age? What social conventions inform our understanding of age? In the following blog posts, I will share my thoughts and perhaps come to some conclusions. Please share yours as we are all on this journey.
To expand our thinking of the concept of age, we should do two things: break it down (analysis) and then see what it is connected to (synthesis). What do we mean by age? What social conventions inform our understanding of age? In the following blog posts, I will share my thoughts and perhaps come to some conclusions. Please share yours as we are all on this journey.
October 1, 2009
The Dyad
Relationships are formed dyadically.
Memorize that. What it means is that people relate to one another one-on-one. Seems obvious, but it is essential for building trust. Why? Take it back to anthropology. You are two people in a cave. What are you going to do next?
Memorize that. What it means is that people relate to one another one-on-one. Seems obvious, but it is essential for building trust. Why? Take it back to anthropology. You are two people in a cave. What are you going to do next?
September 1, 2009
Authentic Relating: Scripts, Semantics, Skepticism
Too many people focus on relationship scripts: how things should work based mostly on what others have told them about how things should work. Rather than critical analysis of customary roles, concepts and behaviors, too many of us opt to avoid perceived shame or make their friends and family (and ourselves) proud by following common sense and the same old story. One of my areas of research is communications and narrative theory, where we are taught that to live authentically is to question conventional wisdom in order to learn to become the authors and authorities of our own lives, without the blind imitation, assumptions, and inertia of our past decisions and former role-models.
First, we must develop an awareness of the scripts handed to us unquestioningly and find the courage to chart our own courses and speak our newfound truths. To do this we have to constantly throw narratives up to the light of reason to see if they resonate with a ring of truth. Then, prior to making a final decision, we can leverage our curiousity and open minds: the great human ability to explore, discover, as well as forgive ourselves for paths that we choose to abandon or set aside for another time or another person.
Second, we need to examine the meanings of the words that construct our commonly and sometimes our most dearly and deeply held beliefs and values. As I've said in a previous post, look at the word "relationship." This is a noun, but a relationship is not anything physical: it remains purely a psychological construct. Much better than asking whether or not we have "a relationship" is to ask ourselves the question in the verb form, or, "how do we relate?" Often we find ourselves yearning for the verb while the noun leaves us unfulfilled. By diving in to the semantics of relating can we examine the underlying connotations that may not align with what we want for ourselves or those with whom we connect. A relationship implies rules and constraints not of our choosing; relating suggests the natural evolution of getting to know each other.
Finally, and forever into the future, we want to apply the same skepticism to our emotional lives that we do to other dimensions of living. This is not to say that we must always follow our head over our heart, but rather that when we do choose to lead with our hearts it is not by ignoring reason but through appealing to reason to inform us which emotions will lead us to outcomes of greater value. We must utilize our knowledge and learning to make rational choices, not use it to rationalize choices that protect our fears and insecurities. Only by confronting those fears and insecurities with the full-force of reason are we able to find greater enlightenment, open ourselves to more emotional liberty, and lengthen our stride in our pursuit of happiness as it comes to us in love, passion, affection, appreciation and consumate friendship.
First, we must develop an awareness of the scripts handed to us unquestioningly and find the courage to chart our own courses and speak our newfound truths. To do this we have to constantly throw narratives up to the light of reason to see if they resonate with a ring of truth. Then, prior to making a final decision, we can leverage our curiousity and open minds: the great human ability to explore, discover, as well as forgive ourselves for paths that we choose to abandon or set aside for another time or another person.
Second, we need to examine the meanings of the words that construct our commonly and sometimes our most dearly and deeply held beliefs and values. As I've said in a previous post, look at the word "relationship." This is a noun, but a relationship is not anything physical: it remains purely a psychological construct. Much better than asking whether or not we have "a relationship" is to ask ourselves the question in the verb form, or, "how do we relate?" Often we find ourselves yearning for the verb while the noun leaves us unfulfilled. By diving in to the semantics of relating can we examine the underlying connotations that may not align with what we want for ourselves or those with whom we connect. A relationship implies rules and constraints not of our choosing; relating suggests the natural evolution of getting to know each other.
Finally, and forever into the future, we want to apply the same skepticism to our emotional lives that we do to other dimensions of living. This is not to say that we must always follow our head over our heart, but rather that when we do choose to lead with our hearts it is not by ignoring reason but through appealing to reason to inform us which emotions will lead us to outcomes of greater value. We must utilize our knowledge and learning to make rational choices, not use it to rationalize choices that protect our fears and insecurities. Only by confronting those fears and insecurities with the full-force of reason are we able to find greater enlightenment, open ourselves to more emotional liberty, and lengthen our stride in our pursuit of happiness as it comes to us in love, passion, affection, appreciation and consumate friendship.
August 2, 2009
Are Anti-Drug Laws Unconstitutional? Who Does Not Not Care?
Like a lot of people who have awakened next to a beer can what time just grab my shoes and race race to take the final exam, I have been on the other side. Far longer than most of you reading this. I think I figured it out once: I'm in 29th grade. Not that that has any importance whatsoever... or does it? Isn't learning about experimentation? Sampling? Choosing something new and different over the safe and secure?
A life unchallenged is a life compromised.
So a little negotiation for the good of the people, their safety, the children, their children, their children's dogs, their children's dog's puppies... you get the picture. It's very cute and hard to argue against. But arguing against things is what this country is about, physically as well as philosophically and psychologically. Creativity and innovation are the qualities that make this country great.
All my years of education have taught me one thing: it isn't years of education that sparks creativity and innovation.
But it isn't about chucking out the old and in with the new either. To evolve in a way that improves lives and systems across the board requires knowledge of the past to set the context for the future. Every generation offers up its knowledge as fertilizer for the next crop of generative sprouts.
So it isn't about just doing things differently, it is about doing them differently in the context of the past.
Let's talk about drug laws. From the time I could read the Constitution I could not figure out why these laws exist. Yes, a society needs rules so we don't trample all over each other. And yes, freedom means freedom from the crap your neighbor is pumping into the lake. And yes, liberty means that sometimes we do things that we ought not to do for various agreed-upon valued goals such as longevity and that look of determination on every action heroes' face. And, finally, yes, the pursuit of happiness does not mean getting your little sister hooked on heroin.
But ultimately, people; it all comes down to choice. The reason we have this society, the reason we have this Constitution, and the reason that in some spiritualists' minds for why we are here is simply this: choice.
Take away choice and you take away the spice of life. And it doesn't matter what it is we're talking about. It is a principle. Perhaps THE principle. Teach your children to understand principle and context. From there, everything: and I mean everything (cite: philosophers who agree with me) can be deconstructed.
And when you can deconstruct something, then reconstruct it, then see the system in which it plays a role - the larger contexts - and reimagine those galaxies of options, then people can make reasonable choices. It happened with alcohol, it happened with tobacco, it happened with sugar, caffeine, red meat, and any other substance or chemical constitution we choose to sample.
In the end, we really ought to shake out that dusty rag of a document and implement fully the playbook. We keep trying, but for some reason some people think that this country is about where you were born, not the set of values and social contracts that construe the American experiment.
It is funny... the Founders felt that democracy was and should always be a "work in progress" - hence the unfinished pyramid on the back of the $1. But my sense is that they felt that the Constitution was the foundation for building upon. And over many, many areas of American life the reasonable people of our nation have managed to keep the purpose of this country alive. We have yet to see the free society that the Founder's envisioned. We're close, and we may never get there, and we may always and should always be building and rebuilding, but we must decide. Do we want to adhere to the principles that we hold dear or do we reject them out of fear and loathing?
Fear and loathing have their place: in the movies. With all the other crazy emotions we humans have but as civilized people do not express but in story. But ultimately we are supposed to come out of the theater with an "aha" or a reflection. What was moved? And what is left in its place?
So we move. From one policy to another. But we do so with reasonable people at the helm. Look, folks - I'd like to hear him say - let's try this, and if it doesn't yield the results we expect based on our informed national dialogue, we'll not go back, but will take the context of the past to inform our future choices.
Learn how to choose. Teach how to choose. Choose language that empowers people and does not reduce them. Discard labels like "gateway drugs" or "illicit" and so on. What message do these words connote? Do these words make certain segments of society feel weak and powerless? Think about it. How do we define drug? Is it, as I've heard, a "mood or mind-altering substance?" That works for me, except for the fact that I'd put my library in that category. And what about these categories of legal/illegal? That stirs up evil cultural narratives that should be left alone. Do I think of the substance that I put in my chili legal? Ridiculous.
Regulation, taxation, education. That's the way to go. Always has been, always will be. Let me close by way of analogy. When I was a young boy, about 7 or 8 years old, my father came to me and said, "son, see this in my hand? It's a loaded shotgun. I keep it here behind the door in the guest bedroom just in case some nut tries to come in and kill us. Don't touch it. If you do, it might go off and blow your head off. Okay?" "Okay" I said. "Now let's get some ice-cream." Good choice.
A life unchallenged is a life compromised.
So a little negotiation for the good of the people, their safety, the children, their children, their children's dogs, their children's dog's puppies... you get the picture. It's very cute and hard to argue against. But arguing against things is what this country is about, physically as well as philosophically and psychologically. Creativity and innovation are the qualities that make this country great.
All my years of education have taught me one thing: it isn't years of education that sparks creativity and innovation.
But it isn't about chucking out the old and in with the new either. To evolve in a way that improves lives and systems across the board requires knowledge of the past to set the context for the future. Every generation offers up its knowledge as fertilizer for the next crop of generative sprouts.
So it isn't about just doing things differently, it is about doing them differently in the context of the past.
Let's talk about drug laws. From the time I could read the Constitution I could not figure out why these laws exist. Yes, a society needs rules so we don't trample all over each other. And yes, freedom means freedom from the crap your neighbor is pumping into the lake. And yes, liberty means that sometimes we do things that we ought not to do for various agreed-upon valued goals such as longevity and that look of determination on every action heroes' face. And, finally, yes, the pursuit of happiness does not mean getting your little sister hooked on heroin.
But ultimately, people; it all comes down to choice. The reason we have this society, the reason we have this Constitution, and the reason that in some spiritualists' minds for why we are here is simply this: choice.
Take away choice and you take away the spice of life. And it doesn't matter what it is we're talking about. It is a principle. Perhaps THE principle. Teach your children to understand principle and context. From there, everything: and I mean everything (cite: philosophers who agree with me) can be deconstructed.
And when you can deconstruct something, then reconstruct it, then see the system in which it plays a role - the larger contexts - and reimagine those galaxies of options, then people can make reasonable choices. It happened with alcohol, it happened with tobacco, it happened with sugar, caffeine, red meat, and any other substance or chemical constitution we choose to sample.
In the end, we really ought to shake out that dusty rag of a document and implement fully the playbook. We keep trying, but for some reason some people think that this country is about where you were born, not the set of values and social contracts that construe the American experiment.
It is funny... the Founders felt that democracy was and should always be a "work in progress" - hence the unfinished pyramid on the back of the $1. But my sense is that they felt that the Constitution was the foundation for building upon. And over many, many areas of American life the reasonable people of our nation have managed to keep the purpose of this country alive. We have yet to see the free society that the Founder's envisioned. We're close, and we may never get there, and we may always and should always be building and rebuilding, but we must decide. Do we want to adhere to the principles that we hold dear or do we reject them out of fear and loathing?
Fear and loathing have their place: in the movies. With all the other crazy emotions we humans have but as civilized people do not express but in story. But ultimately we are supposed to come out of the theater with an "aha" or a reflection. What was moved? And what is left in its place?
So we move. From one policy to another. But we do so with reasonable people at the helm. Look, folks - I'd like to hear him say - let's try this, and if it doesn't yield the results we expect based on our informed national dialogue, we'll not go back, but will take the context of the past to inform our future choices.
Learn how to choose. Teach how to choose. Choose language that empowers people and does not reduce them. Discard labels like "gateway drugs" or "illicit" and so on. What message do these words connote? Do these words make certain segments of society feel weak and powerless? Think about it. How do we define drug? Is it, as I've heard, a "mood or mind-altering substance?" That works for me, except for the fact that I'd put my library in that category. And what about these categories of legal/illegal? That stirs up evil cultural narratives that should be left alone. Do I think of the substance that I put in my chili legal? Ridiculous.
Regulation, taxation, education. That's the way to go. Always has been, always will be. Let me close by way of analogy. When I was a young boy, about 7 or 8 years old, my father came to me and said, "son, see this in my hand? It's a loaded shotgun. I keep it here behind the door in the guest bedroom just in case some nut tries to come in and kill us. Don't touch it. If you do, it might go off and blow your head off. Okay?" "Okay" I said. "Now let's get some ice-cream." Good choice.
June 30, 2009
Sex by Drowning
Sex is like a shower. When you first get in, it can be really hot. You can hardly stand it but the steam draws you in. Then it starts to get more comfortable and you can relax into it. You look and start to take in all the options, lotions and settings, and that playful eyebrow rises – this could be a lot of fun. Things go like this pretty much daily, though sometimes you may skip a day or two, no big deal – no public to impress. You may immerse yourself in it of an evening or a long weekend, or you may do it quickly in the morning or at noon, when there are pressing demands and children knocking on the door, just to die gloriously, naked and vulnerable in a world of interruption, for a moment of the day in that warm embrace, holding your breath, never wishing to rise for air.
It is just when the water runs cold that you never want to step into it again. You become hesitant, scared and betrayed by a once-trusted friend. No colorful toys, no floral scents, no exotic promises; the shower remains off. But the need remains. Then you have to make a decision: either you seek out another shower, or you brave the icy water, fumbling blindly for another spigot when you can hardly breathe or see straight. And you may be in luck: by some providence you find a way to take back control, to reinvigorate yourself, to wash again in a fountain of youth. Or your efforts may be in vain. You may stumble around, perhaps for years, trying to get that damn shower to work like it did once but becoming shriveled and shivering over a life like this, which is no life, but death by drowning.
It is just when the water runs cold that you never want to step into it again. You become hesitant, scared and betrayed by a once-trusted friend. No colorful toys, no floral scents, no exotic promises; the shower remains off. But the need remains. Then you have to make a decision: either you seek out another shower, or you brave the icy water, fumbling blindly for another spigot when you can hardly breathe or see straight. And you may be in luck: by some providence you find a way to take back control, to reinvigorate yourself, to wash again in a fountain of youth. Or your efforts may be in vain. You may stumble around, perhaps for years, trying to get that damn shower to work like it did once but becoming shriveled and shivering over a life like this, which is no life, but death by drowning.
June 21, 2009
Authentic Relating: To Have a Relationship (Noun) or To Relate (Verb)
The theme Authentic Relating offers perspectives around the changing social mores of dating and the art of intimacy. My views reflect direct and indirect experience augmented through research in psychology, sociology, anthropology, spiritual and personal growth. This, the introductory entry, sets a stage for my own voyage in the complex and mysterious world of interconnection.
The lingua franca of human intimacy carries with it a vernacular that deserves re-examination. Etymology can provide insights to connotations assumed and misunderstood. Many people feel they long to have "a relationship" – a noun – and then wonder why they remain unfulfilled; such emptiness can lead to disillusionment and bitterness. The verb form – "to relate" – captures a feel not of behavioral boundaries or rules of engagement, but rather of the action "to feel connected or sympathetic to” the other.
Bonds are not built in groupings but as individuals in dyads: person-to-person, one-on-one. Why? Because only when we are alone with another, unobserved and vulnerable, can we begin to build real trust. Connection, the ultimate aim of relating, can only occur through the sharing of stories where our experiences and interpretations find complicit meaning.
Relating means many things that involve continuous learning on many levels. To relate authentically means to carve out one’s own path and set of unashamed desires through which we learn the tacit feel of intimacy. It means balancing the time demands of stakeholders: family and friends, work and creative endeavors, love and personal discovery. Forging connection occurs emotionally, but may also unfold physically, intellectually or spiritually. Like many areas in life, developing a richness of understanding is not a destination but a journey of revelation and compassion.
As this thread evolves, we will return to this theme. Please contribute your stories and topic ideas for continuing the dialogue.
The lingua franca of human intimacy carries with it a vernacular that deserves re-examination. Etymology can provide insights to connotations assumed and misunderstood. Many people feel they long to have "a relationship" – a noun – and then wonder why they remain unfulfilled; such emptiness can lead to disillusionment and bitterness. The verb form – "to relate" – captures a feel not of behavioral boundaries or rules of engagement, but rather of the action "to feel connected or sympathetic to” the other.
Bonds are not built in groupings but as individuals in dyads: person-to-person, one-on-one. Why? Because only when we are alone with another, unobserved and vulnerable, can we begin to build real trust. Connection, the ultimate aim of relating, can only occur through the sharing of stories where our experiences and interpretations find complicit meaning.
Relating means many things that involve continuous learning on many levels. To relate authentically means to carve out one’s own path and set of unashamed desires through which we learn the tacit feel of intimacy. It means balancing the time demands of stakeholders: family and friends, work and creative endeavors, love and personal discovery. Forging connection occurs emotionally, but may also unfold physically, intellectually or spiritually. Like many areas in life, developing a richness of understanding is not a destination but a journey of revelation and compassion.
As this thread evolves, we will return to this theme. Please contribute your stories and topic ideas for continuing the dialogue.
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