Sex by Drowning

Sex is like a shower. When you first get in, it can be really hot. You can hardly stand it but the steam draws you in. Then it starts to get more comfortable and you can relax into it. You look and start to take in all the options, lotions and settings, and that playful eyebrow rises – this could be a lot of fun. Things go like this pretty much daily, though sometimes you may skip a day or two, no big deal – no public to impress. You may immerse yourself in it of an evening or a long weekend, or you may do it quickly in the morning or at noon, when there are pressing demands and children knocking on the door, just to die gloriously, naked and vulnerable in a world of interruption, for a moment of the day in that warm embrace, holding your breath, never wishing to rise for air.

It is just when the water runs cold that you never want to step into it again. You become hesitant, scared and betrayed by a once-trusted friend. No colorful toys, no floral scents, no exotic promises; the shower remains off. But the need remains. Then you have to make a decision: either you seek out another shower, or you brave the icy water, fumbling blindly for another spigot when you can hardly breathe or see straight. And you may be in luck: by some providence you find a way to take back control, to reinvigorate yourself, to wash again in a fountain of youth. Or your efforts may be in vain. You may stumble around, perhaps for years, trying to get that damn shower to work like it did once but becoming shriveled and shivering over a life like this, which is no life, but death by drowning.

Authentic Relating: To Have a Relationship (Noun) or To Relate (Verb)

The theme Authentic Relating offers perspectives around the changing social mores of dating and the art of intimacy. My views reflect direct and indirect experience augmented through research in psychology, sociology, anthropology, spiritual and personal growth. This, the introductory entry, sets a stage for my own voyage in the complex and mysterious world of interconnection.

The lingua franca of human intimacy carries with it a vernacular that deserves re-examination. Etymology can provide insights to connotations assumed and misunderstood. Many people feel they long to have "a relationship" – a noun – and then wonder why they remain unfulfilled; such emptiness can lead to disillusionment and bitterness. The verb form – "to relate" – captures a feel not of behavioral boundaries or rules of engagement, but rather of the action "to feel connected or sympathetic to” the other.

Bonds are not built in groupings but as individuals in dyads: person-to-person, one-on-one. Why? Because only when we are alone with another, unobserved and vulnerable, can we begin to build real trust. Connection, the ultimate aim of relating, can only occur through the sharing of stories where our experiences and interpretations find complicit meaning.

Relating means many things that involve continuous learning on many levels. To relate authentically means to carve out one’s own path and set of unashamed desires through which we learn the tacit feel of intimacy. It means balancing the time demands of stakeholders: family and friends, work and creative endeavors, love and personal discovery. Forging connection occurs emotionally, but may also unfold physically, intellectually or spiritually. Like many areas in life, developing a richness of understanding is not a destination but a journey of revelation and compassion.

As this thread evolves, we will return to this theme. Please contribute your stories and topic ideas for continuing the dialogue.

The Misapprehension of Age

Recently, I came up with this:

Age is an organic construct, not a mechanical nor a celestial one. Therefore, it is inappropriate to measure one’s age by the ticking of a clock or the revolution of a planet around a star.

I've heard that my little aphorism has gained some attention. It reflects that people wrestle with their inner and outer perceptions of age and how they compare themselves to others today in our culture as well as historically. We look at our elders and think of how we would like to look and feel better than they when we reach their age, and yet we miss the larger point that it is not about looking and feeling one's age, but looking and feeling good. Period. There may be a correlation with the calendar, but with statements circulating such as "40 is the new 30" one has to ask why we should care.

The baby boomers have redefined culture again, this time around aging, and they will continue to do so over the next few decades. We can watch as the largest demographic bubble breaks many statistical limits of age and health.

I feel it is time to relieve ourselves of the shackles of calendar age. Get rid of birthdays while we are at it. Take the RealAge test. Do what it says to improve your health. Age may remain a metric, but it should take its rightful place among other metrics that only doctors and nutritionists care about.

With what should we replace the concept of calendar age? How about stages of life. Perhaps a simple five-stage model would suffice. One may be a child, an adolescent, a young adult, a mature adult, and a senior adult. No clear line would exist between categories, of course.

Calendar age defines so much about us in the public sphere. Yet, would it not be more appropriate to determine age and maturity on a case-by-case basis, as individuals? We all recognize that calendar age varies wildly with mental and emotional states. Does not the metric actually detract from the real problems that exist among people? Think of the driving or drinking ages as examples. Any reasonable person recognizes that capabilities among individuals at every stage of life vary considerably.

Even if the rejection of calendar age does not occur among policy makers, should we not adopt a more healthy and dignified characterization of age for our culture? To misapprehend the concept of age as a mechanistic metric rather than an organic stage or psychological state of a person is disingenuous. Even an insult. Perhaps a prejudice?

A Fable

I was speaking the other day to a friend’s teenage daughter about “weirdness” and not being “normal”. Here is what I said:

Let’s go way back. Imagine that there is this tribe in a forest. The forest is a frightening place. Full of monsters and unknown powers.

Now, there are all kinds of people in our tribe but let’s focus on a few. There’s the woman who is in the middle of the tribe who is saying, “let’s stick together!” “No need to venture out into the forest. It’s dangerous!”

There’s the guy at the gates of the village who watches people coming in and out. He says, “The forest is okay as far as I can see. Some exploration is acceptable.”

Then there’s the hunter or adventurer who launches into the forest for food and just to see what is out there. He says, “Hey, come on, everyone, there’s opportunities everywhere!”

So the chief sends out three explorers into the forest.

The first returns, bursting through the bushes, and announces, “I have found this plant! When you rub it on your skin, it heals!”

The second returns, out of breath and panting, “I found this other tribe! They want to trade!”

The third returns, consternated. The chief asks, “What did you find?” He replies, “I found something called a fence. And on the other side of the fence were roads and cars and airplanes. We need to get our shit together!”


Okay, there are several points to this story.

One, there is value in the forest;
Two, don't be afraid to explore;
Three, don't cross the fence and cause a traffic accident.

The final point is this: whatever puzzles you solve, whatever conflicts you face and resolve, whatever worldview you share, you never know what is on the other side of the fence. It may be nothing, or it may render archaic all your big ideas, schemes, systems and structures. To discover oneself an anachronism is to awaken.

Thanks to M. Night Shyamalan and "The Village" for inspiration.

The Best and Brightest

One of the guiding principles of leadership is to surround yourself with the best and brightest individuals you can find. Barack Obama understands this principle and leverages the talents, passion, and political capital of others to make real change. Change should be based on egalitarian principles of merit, inclusiveness, and alignment. Authentic leadership lets go of ego and role and instead focuses on collaboration and collective intelligence. This is why Oboma can transform America and provide an example for other leaders in government and industry to emulate.

The Process

There is probably a process one goes through when launching one's tongue into or onto the blogosphere. I'm going through it. I'm going to do something a bit different, I'm going to tell you how I feel. The reason for this gets back to a new KM model I came up with last week that mirrors Maslow's heirarchy. But that's for another time, and is on my other blog. What I want to do is say how I feel. Because that's what its all about. So she says.

I feel good. I feel like a bonehead for not doing this sooner, and wasting your time for writing things like "I feel good."

I do recall a sentence from Stephan King who made sure his butt was in a writing chair regardless of whether he would pen anything that day. Those of us who read and write can take comfort from each other in this solitary activity. In this Age of Irony (or Irony Age), it is the lone typist who changes the world.

Forthcoming blogs will be more "meatier." (sounds of crunching fingers)

Urban Humor Mashup

Creativity lives on, even in - or especially in - the most unlikely places. Take urban transportation. I recently received by e-mail a set of funny photos - artist unknown - of creative ads and graphics on everything from city buses to plastic hand carries. I see it as a form of urban beautification through commercial art that helps remind us of the absurdity of postmodern living. And its good for a laugh. Enjoy.



Please add a comment if you know where these originated. Props.

Oh, but that is my music. I wrote it. Copyright: me. Thanks. Ha.