Authentic Relating: Scripts, Semantics, Skepticism

Too many people focus on relationship scripts: how things should work based mostly on what others have told them about how things should work. Rather than critical analysis of customary roles, concepts and behaviors, too many of us opt to avoid perceived shame or make their friends and family (and ourselves) proud by following common sense and the same old story. One of my areas of research is communications and narrative theory, where we are taught that to live authentically is to question conventional wisdom in order to learn to become the authors and authorities of our own lives, without the blind imitation, assumptions, and inertia of our past decisions and former role-models.

First, we must develop an awareness of the scripts handed to us unquestioningly and find the courage to chart our own courses and speak our newfound truths. To do this we have to constantly throw narratives up to the light of reason to see if they resonate with a ring of truth. Then, prior to making a final decision, we can leverage our curiousity and open minds: the great human ability to explore, discover, as well as forgive ourselves for paths that we choose to abandon or set aside for another time or another person.

Second, we need to examine the meanings of the words that construct our commonly and sometimes our most dearly and deeply held beliefs and values. As I've said in a previous post, look at the word "relationship." This is a noun, but a relationship is not anything physical: it remains purely a psychological construct. Much better than asking whether or not we have "a relationship" is to ask ourselves the question in the verb form, or, "how do we relate?" Often we find ourselves yearning for the verb while the noun leaves us unfulfilled. By diving in to the semantics of relating can we examine the underlying connotations that may not align with what we want for ourselves or those with whom we connect. A relationship implies rules and constraints not of our choosing; relating suggests the natural evolution of getting to know each other.

Finally, and forever into the future, we want to apply the same skepticism to our emotional lives that we do to other dimensions of living. This is not to say that we must always follow our head over our heart, but rather that when we do choose to lead with our hearts it is not by ignoring reason but through appealing to reason to inform us which emotions will lead us to outcomes of greater value. We must utilize our knowledge and learning to make rational choices, not use it to rationalize choices that protect our fears and insecurities. Only by confronting those fears and insecurities with the full-force of reason are we able to find greater enlightenment, open ourselves to more emotional liberty, and lengthen our stride in our pursuit of happiness as it comes to us in love, passion, affection, appreciation and consumate friendship.