Sex by Drowning

Sex is like a shower. When you first get in, it can be really hot. You can hardly stand it but the steam draws you in. Then it starts to get more comfortable and you can relax into it. You look and start to take in all the options, lotions and settings, and that playful eyebrow rises – this could be a lot of fun. Things go like this pretty much daily, though sometimes you may skip a day or two, no big deal – no public to impress. You may immerse yourself in it of an evening or a long weekend, or you may do it quickly in the morning or at noon, when there are pressing demands and children knocking on the door, just to die gloriously, naked and vulnerable in a world of interruption, for a moment of the day in that warm embrace, holding your breath, never wishing to rise for air.

It is just when the water runs cold that you never want to step into it again. You become hesitant, scared and betrayed by a once-trusted friend. No colorful toys, no floral scents, no exotic promises; the shower remains off. But the need remains. Then you have to make a decision: either you seek out another shower, or you brave the icy water, fumbling blindly for another spigot when you can hardly breathe or see straight. And you may be in luck: by some providence you find a way to take back control, to reinvigorate yourself, to wash again in a fountain of youth. Or your efforts may be in vain. You may stumble around, perhaps for years, trying to get that damn shower to work like it did once but becoming shriveled and shivering over a life like this, which is no life, but death by drowning.

Authentic Relating: To Have a Relationship (Noun) or To Relate (Verb)

The theme Authentic Relating offers perspectives around the changing social mores of dating and the art of intimacy. My views reflect direct and indirect experience augmented through research in psychology, sociology, anthropology, spiritual and personal growth. This, the introductory entry, sets a stage for my own voyage in the complex and mysterious world of interconnection.

The lingua franca of human intimacy carries with it a vernacular that deserves re-examination. Etymology can provide insights to connotations assumed and misunderstood. Many people feel they long to have "a relationship" – a noun – and then wonder why they remain unfulfilled; such emptiness can lead to disillusionment and bitterness. The verb form – "to relate" – captures a feel not of behavioral boundaries or rules of engagement, but rather of the action "to feel connected or sympathetic to” the other.

Bonds are not built in groupings but as individuals in dyads: person-to-person, one-on-one. Why? Because only when we are alone with another, unobserved and vulnerable, can we begin to build real trust. Connection, the ultimate aim of relating, can only occur through the sharing of stories where our experiences and interpretations find complicit meaning.

Relating means many things that involve continuous learning on many levels. To relate authentically means to carve out one’s own path and set of unashamed desires through which we learn the tacit feel of intimacy. It means balancing the time demands of stakeholders: family and friends, work and creative endeavors, love and personal discovery. Forging connection occurs emotionally, but may also unfold physically, intellectually or spiritually. Like many areas in life, developing a richness of understanding is not a destination but a journey of revelation and compassion.

As this thread evolves, we will return to this theme. Please contribute your stories and topic ideas for continuing the dialogue.